[non-Jamie group] ((OOC: Obviously, everyone but Jamie can see.))

So, I'm slowly picking things out for each room. I told them to keep things light and fresh. The thing is essentially built. I put together the boys room. It's going to look a lot like this.
( This )
And it's beautiful, right? Stupid Jamie just reminded me that Mardi Gras is in a few weeks, so I'm going to try to get them to step it up on doing things. They have the place built, but I'd love to show it to him then. Surprise him and stuff. Gracie's room will look very similar. Hope this new baby is a girl because if it isn't, I'm going to be screwed. It's really okay though because there's an extra room to play around with.

I like having things open so they can play around and move things around when they are older and not be stuck to something. I want my house to be the hang out area for my kids and their friends. I'm saying that now, remind me that I said that later.

Dress shopping during the week as well as finishing the final touches and bedspreads and that sort. I may do their rooms here as well. Really no harm in it. I don't know. I'll figure it out later.

It's go time.

[private lock - diary]

An I really in love with two men?

Chad is learning to be healthy. I can tell he still has feelings for me and he's the father of my child. This baby we made together that's growing inside me. He's also the only connection to her I'll ever have. He looks just like her most of the time. Especially now that he's cleaned himself up. He's working so hard to get better, I know I can help him do that. Me and this baby.

Jamie...is Jamie. He's my husband. Smart, handsome. He's so...I don't know. He's there. I told him about the fetus belonging to someone else and he didn't care. It was his kid for all he cared. What kind of guy does that? Willingly takes care of someone else's kid who looks nothing like him, and is from when your wife cheated on you. Who does that?

Jay is blond just like Jamie when he was a kid. The twins both have red hair. This one (I'm referring to the fetus in my uterus) I know won't look anything like them. I know she'll look just like Staci and Chad. I just know it because it's obviously Staci coming back to me. Ever since she came to me that last time, telling me how perfectly I did and that the baby was her's. I just know it will be a girl. If not, I will be totally surprised.

Jay is so handsome now, I'm letting his hair grow some. He likes looking like Gus when it comes to his hair. He's almost bleach blond. Luckily he doesn't really mouth me like he used to, but I think it's because he forgot he was doing it in the first place. It is much less stressful to me thankfully. The twins are full on attacked to my hip. For a while I thought Gracie hated me, but now she constantly wants me. Jack has always been my boy. It must be a stage for the both of them. I realized how much I love buying little girl clothes. Nothing like buying things for Jay, though Jack got most of his things, I gave a lot of Jay's clothes away to charity as he got older, but some of the bigger ones I had left over are fitting Jack now. Mostly because Jack is fat. Really fat. Like Jo was when he was little.

I hardly know my sister Gail. I bet she doesn't remember me anyway. Jo either. I suck at being a sister. I hate myself for neglecting them. Gus helps me out a lot. We've always been close though. I remember when he was born, I used to try to get him to call me "Mom". I did! How funny is that? And now he's grow up before his time. He's tall as hell and muscular. That's what football does to a boy. Couple more years and he'll have to beat the girls off with a stick. If you saw him, diary, you'd think he was much older than just 10 years old. Much Much older. I'm pretty sure if he tried to buy cigarettes, he'd get away with it. Must be Doug's genes because Grandpa isn't exactly a giant.

And Grandpa...I've been so horrible to him. I don't think I even told him I was pregnant. There are a lot of people who don't know I'm pregnant. I don't know why I haven't said anything to anyone, I just haven't. Not like I'm less excited about this baby than I was the others. In fact, I'm probably more excited about this one than all the others combined. Which is pretty horrible too. This is my Staci coming back to me. Though, knowing Staci's sense of humor, it will probably be a boy. I don't know what to even call him. I'm sure Chad will come up with something. I'll tell him to. It's his first child, ever. He deserves to name it whatever he wants. I can't wait to see what he comes up with really.

[/diary]

[email to Chad]

Hey hon,

Just wanted to let you know that I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and was wondering if you wanted to come up for it. He will be out of town to his parents for some bs for the whole weekend. I thought maybe it could be like a mini vacation for you. Somewhere to relax and not worry about any of what may be going on around you. I'll make the room up in the house, or if you want to stay longer, you're welcome to do that too. It's entirely up to you.

I understand if you don't want to. I really do. I just want to make getting help for you as easy as it can be.

Love you,
AB

PS- Let me know what you decide to to, or just call to talk if you'd rather.

[/email]

Someone wasn't exactly cooperative last night. Thanks for the weird heartburn!

The twins, on the other hand, have been walking around like crazy. Been letting them hang out in their walkers so that they can't fall and generally hurt themselves. Thankfully they had the same kind in the green so it matches and it's neutral to the one we already had. Luckily Grace somewhat likes me now. Ordered them new bathing suits and general spring clothing. I don't like matching them all when it comes to clothes. I follow a general theme (all pastels, bright colors, white, black, etc) and the rest falls into place.

Hopefully, things will just keep falling into place.

I'm trying to make it better, but my husband is an ass.

Makes me want to scrap that whole thing.

A damn football team wins and you would have thought Jesus was coming to town.

My kids will not be this obsessed.

It's crazy what being alone with someone you love does to you. I feel like I'm just a kid again. I'm giggling and smiling and...I'm in love with him again. I haven't felt happy like this in quite some time. I don't remember feeling like this.

Also, I think he may have a pregnancy fetish. He wants to have sex all over the place.

Things are moving along swimmingly. Actually have a doctor's appointment in a couple days. This is different. I knew it before and I know it now. I know why too. Seems life is gaining speed again. Hopefully I know which way to steer and it won't be into a wall, though if that wall is padded or otherwise leads to something not so bad, I wouldn't mind. I really wouldn't mind.

Also, I think this may be a fetish of my husband's liking. I used to tease him about it before, but he seems like a dog in heat now. I'm not ready. Not right now anyway.

[Private Entry]

There is nothing going on. She's so beautiful and the tattoo looks like she just had it done yesterday. We always teased her about that. Get bright colors and you'll have a silly looking tattoo. She went to work this morning. Sometimes she's with me and sometimes she's at work. I like the days that she's here. It's comforting.

Him on the other hand. He can go to work. She helps me realize that she's really all I need to get by. Just her.

I have to see him again. I have to see him to tell him about this.

I miss him, but we aren't meant like I thought we were. He's beautiful and dangerous at the same time. I missed that. I miss not having to worry about anyone or anything or who I was with. Coming home to an empty house with just my little puppy (who really isn't a puppy anymore) and an agent or two was great.

Jag önskar att jag kunde gå tillbaka till den tid. Jag önskar att denna var all en dröm ibland och går precis tillbaka. Det är inte en dröm. Det orsakar mig stor sorgsenhet.

Moving from one man to another is so unlike me. And he's really cute. Looks like her in the morning.

One would think there'd be a girl thrown in there somewhere.

Life is in a constant musical spiral. Whether that be upward or not is completely up to you...though I know the truth.

Meg husband er også krever og også beskytter. JEG kanne ikke ha det. Jeg vil ikke ha det. Det er en hvorfor JEG igjen hjem. JEG hat den der nå. Alt om den. Han er hva anledninger meg lidelsen. Han er hva anledninger meg smerte. Det spiller ingen rolle hva andre mennesker overveie. Bare meg.

Livet er sprø. Hun har kommet tilbake. Jeg ikke vite hvor. Jeg vil ikke spør. Jeg vil , i stedet , feire den stund den vare.

It's upsetting that I must do these posts in other languages. It's the only way to keep my journal.

She still doesn't like me. Jay still doesn't listen.

No one respects me.

Things happen and one thought they could have it stored away in their mind. Nothing ever just goes away, especially when we want it to. It only lurks in the shadows until we aren't looking. Waits and watches for the most unfortunate time to strike, like a python.

We are but pawns in this game of life. The rest of the pieces are never what you want them to be, but what there is; What's available to us.

Liv är lik Frånfälle bara smartare. Vilan är vår gör. Vi kontroll den.

I can't describe what I'm feeling. He tries to fix things and it's only annoying. It's something I have to do alone. I have to figure it out and fix it.

I know what I have to do.

I feel like swimming or something. I want summer to be here now.

Some days, I feel like escaping to a deserted island where there's only beautiful people to serve me frozen drinks and offer back rubs at a snap. Maybe I'd want jamie_sanders, so I guess he can come too. Though, he can't get mad at me for gawking at the hot dicks and chicks there though. It's just been one of those "pain-in-the-ass" days.

Also, saw that a classmate of mine died in the newspaper the other day. My mother brought my attention to it. We weren't close, but I knew him. He was a great guy. I think I may go to the funeral or something. It did make me think about what I've been doing in life lately though. If I'm what I dreamed of being years ago. If I'm anything remotely like that. I do dream of what a possible life I would have had with Stacy. She was so beauful and perfect. She would have been so great with Jay, even though she'd never admit to it, she probably would have even liked him. He acts exactly like her, by the way. I think she probably came back in him just to spite me. :) Sounds like something she'd do.

Life is too short to think about when it's all going to end. Live each day as you'd want to live your last and you would have no regrets.

The kids and I went to the park, the twins are pushing up on their arms now, almost scooting, so they are really digging belly time. Jay is still wild, he's a pain in the ass in all honesty. I don't really get why he's like that. Like he has ADD or something. The boy rarely ever sits still. Hopefully Jack won't do anything like that, or Grace for that matter. I'm going to have a playground built at the house I believe. That way we can all relax a little more.

Jamie is still at work, everyone is sleeping, so now I get a bit of alone time. I'm painting and then reading or something. Going rogue.

In case the kids haven't gotten on my last nerve, I've again taken up painting. The twins like the quiet of the closed in porch. I put up the screens so they're able to hear the outside. I think they like the sound of the birds and the fresh air. Luckily it makes them tired as well. That's always good. Jay has been spending time with my grandparents, mostly because I can only take him in small doses . Wow, that's sad.

I'm going to sleep. Everyone have a good night.