[Private Entry]

There is nothing going on. She's so beautiful and the tattoo looks like she just had it done yesterday. We always teased her about that. Get bright colors and you'll have a silly looking tattoo. She went to work this morning. Sometimes she's with me and sometimes she's at work. I like the days that she's here. It's comforting.

Him on the other hand. He can go to work. She helps me realize that she's really all I need to get by. Just her.

I have to see him again. I have to see him to tell him about this.

I miss him, but we aren't meant like I thought we were. He's beautiful and dangerous at the same time. I missed that. I miss not having to worry about anyone or anything or who I was with. Coming home to an empty house with just my little puppy (who really isn't a puppy anymore) and an agent or two was great.

Jag önskar att jag kunde gå tillbaka till den tid. Jag önskar att denna var all en dröm ibland och går precis tillbaka. Det är inte en dröm. Det orsakar mig stor sorgsenhet.

Moving from one man to another is so unlike me. And he's really cute. Looks like her in the morning.

One would think there'd be a girl thrown in there somewhere.

Life is in a constant musical spiral. Whether that be upward or not is completely up to you...though I know the truth.

Meg husband er også krever og også beskytter. JEG kanne ikke ha det. Jeg vil ikke ha det. Det er en hvorfor JEG igjen hjem. JEG hat den der nå. Alt om den. Han er hva anledninger meg lidelsen. Han er hva anledninger meg smerte. Det spiller ingen rolle hva andre mennesker overveie. Bare meg.

Livet er sprø. Hun har kommet tilbake. Jeg ikke vite hvor. Jeg vil ikke spør. Jeg vil , i stedet , feire den stund den vare.

It's upsetting that I must do these posts in other languages. It's the only way to keep my journal.

She still doesn't like me. Jay still doesn't listen.

No one respects me.

Things happen and one thought they could have it stored away in their mind. Nothing ever just goes away, especially when we want it to. It only lurks in the shadows until we aren't looking. Waits and watches for the most unfortunate time to strike, like a python.

We are but pawns in this game of life. The rest of the pieces are never what you want them to be, but what there is; What's available to us.

Liv är lik Frånfälle bara smartare. Vilan är vår gör. Vi kontroll den.

I can't describe what I'm feeling. He tries to fix things and it's only annoying. It's something I have to do alone. I have to figure it out and fix it.

I know what I have to do.

I feel like swimming or something. I want summer to be here now.

Some days, I feel like escaping to a deserted island where there's only beautiful people to serve me frozen drinks and offer back rubs at a snap. Maybe I'd want jamie_sanders, so I guess he can come too. Though, he can't get mad at me for gawking at the hot dicks and chicks there though. It's just been one of those "pain-in-the-ass" days.

Also, saw that a classmate of mine died in the newspaper the other day. My mother brought my attention to it. We weren't close, but I knew him. He was a great guy. I think I may go to the funeral or something. It did make me think about what I've been doing in life lately though. If I'm what I dreamed of being years ago. If I'm anything remotely like that. I do dream of what a possible life I would have had with Stacy. She was so beauful and perfect. She would have been so great with Jay, even though she'd never admit to it, she probably would have even liked him. He acts exactly like her, by the way. I think she probably came back in him just to spite me. :) Sounds like something she'd do.

Life is too short to think about when it's all going to end. Live each day as you'd want to live your last and you would have no regrets.

The kids and I went to the park, the twins are pushing up on their arms now, almost scooting, so they are really digging belly time. Jay is still wild, he's a pain in the ass in all honesty. I don't really get why he's like that. Like he has ADD or something. The boy rarely ever sits still. Hopefully Jack won't do anything like that, or Grace for that matter. I'm going to have a playground built at the house I believe. That way we can all relax a little more.

Jamie is still at work, everyone is sleeping, so now I get a bit of alone time. I'm painting and then reading or something. Going rogue.

In case the kids haven't gotten on my last nerve, I've again taken up painting. The twins like the quiet of the closed in porch. I put up the screens so they're able to hear the outside. I think they like the sound of the birds and the fresh air. Luckily it makes them tired as well. That's always good. Jay has been spending time with my grandparents, mostly because I can only take him in small doses . Wow, that's sad.

I'm going to sleep. Everyone have a good night.

This weather and water are so great. I'm pretty afraid I'm going to get bitten or something though, I don't know why. Jamie says I'm nuts.

The Els look happy. I'm glad. They deserve it through and through.

How the hell does Ella get beaten up like that? I thought that didn't happen here. Hell, they even put Parent One and Parent Two on birth certificates now because this place is so damn mellow about being gay.

Ella looks like she's been through hell, luckily Ellie is keeping her doped up so she doesn't know any better.

It's my mother fucking birthday. 22 never looked so good.

Jay and I are clearly destined to be rivals.

What the hell happened? Feel like I've been out a while.

I finally received the designer made dress for the thing. It fits me like a glove. Like it was made for me or something. I'll tell more about it later, having it steamed. Hopefully things go well.

Had a dream that Jay ran away and became a loan shark...I don't really get it either.

The twins are being clingy and I think Jack has an eating disorder, he just won't stop eating, but he's my fat little baby as well and it doesn't really bother me. He's a lot bigger than Gracie already. Had to take all of them out today, that was a feat in itself. Though the special coach really helps. Talked to some of my usual designers on the phone, so we'll see what they come up with for this thing.

I think for the first time in my entire life, I may be the only normal one in my family.

I'll do what needs to be done where she is concerned. Whatever makes her happy, I swear. No one is going to stop me either.

Also, the past doesn't really mean shit to me. Never has. I am who I am because I choose to be that way, not because of anyone else. I'm happy of who I am. I'm proud of who I am. That's how it always was, that's how it will always be. I don't give a shit about my "parents" or their backstory or their current story. I just want them both happy, respectfully. Doesn't matter if it's together, apart, in Canada, in Aruba. I just want them happy. But I'm a Bartlet. Nothing is going to change that. Not his family, not my care or concern for his family. Nothing. I'm still a Bartlet. Zoey and El are more like sisters to me than they are my aunts, same with Liz. So it may be topsy turvy, yes, but it's who I am and how I feel and how I've always felt.

End of story. Let's not bring it up again.